by Sheila Green

Part 2: Lessons 4-6

Rich Harasick is the children’s minister at Grace Community Church in Sun Valley, California, under lead pastor John MacArthur. In 2009, Harasick began a series called “Parenting for Life” (linked below) on the church’s website.  Considering the many parents within our church family, I think the topic of parenting would be a very pertinent one to study. Sermons 4-6 focus on disciplining and instructing children.

WEEK 4

“Apply your heart to discipline 

And your ears to words of knowledge.

Do not hold back discipline from the child, 

Although you strike him with the rod, he will not die. 

You shall strike him with the rod 

And rescue his soul from Sheol.” 

Proverbs 23:12-14 NASB

The privilege of having children is from the Lord, but it comes with responsibility. We must raise our children in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. All discipline we give should be motivated by love and self-control, and accompanied by explanation and teaching. According to Harasick, “Spanking is not a command, but is ordained by God.” 

Characteristics of Biblical Discipline

Discipline should be loving, systematic, and consistent. Like the Lord, parents discipline in love for the child’s good so that they may share in the Lord’s holiness. As children, we live under the limitations and rules of our parents which teach us obedience and submission to authority—the authority of loving parents. Limits establish order in the home and protect children from the things that they cannot handle. We limit what they see and what they hear. We want to put truth in their lives so that when they deal with evil (and they will), they know how to deal with it. As they get older and we teach them, we should find opportunities for them to use the wisdom they have learned. We all have our own personal limitations as well. None of us can have it all or do it all. Limits in the household should prepare children for limits in life. Harasick says, “We are all limited because of life situations. We are limited by income, learning ability, giftedness, knowledge, physical abilities, health, and opportunities. That’s life. As we and our children fall short of living up to these limits and Biblical standards, our need for instruction and our need for a Savior is revealed. 

“The Law came in so that the transgression would increase; but where sin increased, grace abounded all the more.” Romans 5:20 (NASB)

Setting Standards

If a parent sets no standards, there is no sin and therefore no need for a Savior. If parents set low standards or only exterior standards, the child becomes a Pharisee, and there is no need for a Savior. If parents use God’s standards in raising their children, sin is revealed and this points to our need for the Savior’s loving grace and mercy. 

Characteristics of Unbiblical Discipline

Unbiblical discipline depends excessively on controlling outward behaviors of the child. This can form hypocrisy in the child and prevent the development of inner convictions. Unbiblical discipline can be done in uncontrolled anger or because the child is an inconvenience to the parent. Ultimately a child’s disobedience isn’t against the father; it is against the Father. This is why teaching and learning the Word is crucial for the family. 

Unbiblical discipline gives no encouragement to the child. “We urge you, brethren, admonish the unruly, encourage the fainthearted, help the weak, be patient with everyone.” (I Thessalonians 5:14 NASB) As a parent, it is easier to criticize than to encourage and praise a child for good behavior. We should affirm children who live up to Biblical standards that we teach. We must make efforts to catch our children being obedient and encourage them for it. Martin Luther was quoted as saying, “Beside the rod, keep an apple to reward the child when he has done well.” 

Unbiblical discipline thinks that discipline will hinder creativity and potential, and therefore warp the child. Actually, structure provides security to a child and produces wisdom. 

Unbiblical discipline neglects timely correction. As parents, we respond quickly to disobedience. We do not want bad habits to be formed. In I Samuel 3:13, the Lord tells Samuel that He will bring judgment on the house of Eli. “For I have told him that I am about to judge his house forever for the iniquity which he knew, because his sons brought a curse on themselves and he did not rebuke them.” (NASB)

“Train up a child in the way he should go, 

Even when he is old he will not depart from it.” 

Proverbs 22:6 (NASB)

Unbiblical discipline withholds the use of the rod. Use of the rod should never be abusive! But correct use of spanking teaches that pain is a consequence of sin and moves the heart toward repentance. 

According to the Word, “The rod and reproof give wisdom, but a child who gets his own way brings shame to his mother” Proverbs 29:15 (NASB). This directly contradicts the world’s view that spanking is harsh and out-of-date, and parents are not proficient enough to do the job. However, if faithfully implemented, discipline points children to their need for the truly loving, gracious, and merciful Savior, Jesus Christ. Discipline points them to life’s choices and habits that reflect Biblical principles and develops inner convictions energized by a redeemed heart. 

Week 5

Biblical discipline demonstrates to the child the difference between foolish behavior and wise behavior. Biblical discipline follows God’s example in that it is loving and wise and reasonable. Remember that God gave us ten commandments which He summarized in the New Testament into two. The Pharisees expanded and complicated them into 600 rules. God’s commands are not burdensome because He gives us power through the Holy Spirit to obey Him (Harasick). 

Obviously, the expectations that we have for our children should be reasonable, age-appropriate, and based on their ability. Parents must patiently train their children how to do things and focus on the attitude of the child’s heart (as well as their own). 

Household rules should be communicated clearly with and without options. Even learning how to pay attention is a skill that we must teach our children. Wise rules should be measurable similar to what they will see as adults in the workplace. Rules should demonstrate to our children the blessing of obedience and the consequence of disobedience. 

Training children to make the right choices involves 2 basic elements: rewards and consequences (Harasick). Think about the prodigal son. He definitely suffered consequences from his choices but they brought him back to repentance with his father and great reward. 

Rewards are not rights, but they should follow obedience. The rewards may be a clear conscious (which only comes with a regenerate heart), parental praise, privileges, and sometimes a tangible reward or blessing. On the contrary, disobedience brings pain. Pain might be a spanking or a removed privilege. The point is that disobedience costs us. Obviously major and minor acts of disobedience require different responses, but parents must respond to both. 

When a parent gives a child instruction, they must complete the whole task– not part of it. “Delayed obedience, partial obedience, and external obedience without the right attitude are all examples of disobedience” (Harasick). 

However, a parent must patiently train the young child to completely obey the first time he or she is given instruction. This training requires patience, time, and consistency. God requires complete obedience. Think about Cain (Genesis 4:5-7). Cain’s disobedience was partial obedience with anger and hostility toward God and jealousy toward his brother. 

Parental discipline must include chastisement for wrong attitudes as well as acts of misbehavior. Harasick says that parents should expect children to do what they are instructed to do “the right way, right away and all the way.” We must also demonstrate grace and ask questions as to why a child disobeyed. We should point to their heart. We should not find ourselves “counting to three” or saying, “If you do that again!” We should never promise consequences that we do not intend to apply. (For example, “You are grounded for a year!)” Also, whining is not acceptable. Parental authority must be established when the child is very young. Habits formed early make it easier for everyone. According to Harasick, parents should not be having to spank a teenager. As children get older, parents should allow time during consequences for reflection and conviction. There should be time allowed for discussion of the principle involved in the disobedience. If a child or teenager genuinely has a tender-hearted repentant response, the parent should lovingly demonstrate grace by lessening or canceling the consequences. 

Effective consequences should match the degree of the offense. Harasick adds that spanking is always appropriate for talking back, lying, immoral behavior, and significant sinful behaviors. On the other hand, consequences like verbally correcting are appropriate for sloppy behavior like carelessly doing chores. Sometimes a sharp glance, a word, a tone of voice is all that it takes to make the parents’ point. 

Children should fear the consequences of bad behavior and not fear the parent. Our loving relationship to our child is critical and must be built and guarded. Biblical discipline should involve positive and negative reinforcement. Many disciplines should be positive. 

When children fail, it provides the parent opportunity to show them their need for the Savior. As we build on the foundation set by the behaviors taught to our young children, new areas of temptation arise. We must remind older children of what they have learned. God is sanctifying the saved parent and the saved child. We must have faith and trust in His promises, and we must submit to Him as parents and children. 

Week 6

Parent as a Teacher

Harasick gives 3 prerequisites for teaching children. They are: 

1. Recognize that a child lacks understanding and needs to be taught. 
2. Realize that children learn incrementally—even the Gospel is not taught all at one time. 
3. When you are teaching, require that children exercise self-control in their movement, their mouths, and their minds. 

How do we teach? We teach our children through example, through the testimony of our lives, through life’s situations, through times of questions and answers, and through family and personal Bible time. 

Harasick says modeling requires 4 steps: 

1. Parent acts… Child watches
2. Parent acts… Child helps or follows
3. Child acts… Parents coach or help
4. Child acts… Parents watch or follow up later

Life can be challenging for us all—especially parents. We have problems, failures, stress, crises, trials, sorrows, difficulties with people, and jobs. We struggle. These are the perfect opportunities to bring our older children and teach, show them how you lean on the Lord. They are watching anyway. 

Questions and answers sessions should go both ways. Create situations for both. Children should know that we have the desire to learn from them and to teach them to think through life’s situations. Christ taught His disciples through questions and He patiently answered many of theirs. 

As many mentioned before, Harasick emphasizes family Bible time as a key element to teaching. What do parents teach? All that we teach our children should be based on Biblical principles. Only God can change their hearts. But we parents are accountable to teach our children a commitment to Christ, marriage, family, and His Word. 

Genuine wisdom begins with fear of the Lord. We must demonstrate a reverential fear and awe of God and submission to Christ as Lord. John MacArthur says, “The fear of the Lord is a state of mind in which one’s own attitudes, feelings, deeds, and goals are exchanged for God’s.” 

We should teach fear in our children that involves three things: 

1. Knowing God. Begin teaching your baby songs about God. Teach children about his omnipotence, omniscience, omnipresence, and His personal characteristics. 
2. Worshipping God. All of life is an opportunity to worship God. We as parents must teach children what it means to worship corporately and privately. We cannot worship One that we do not know. The opposite of worshipping God is worshipping self, and how we live demonstrates who or what we worship. Parents must concern themselves with our child’s heart attitude toward the things they say and do. 
3. Pleasing God. Children must be taught to make decisions based on Biblical standards and to fear violating them. Although children must be trained to obey their parents, their motivation to do so must come from a desire to please God. 

Obedience to authority is a necessity for righteous living. Teaching children to obey parents, teachers, law enforcement, church leaders, and employees is essential so that they may apply this principle to obeying Christ. This obedience must come from a sincere attitude of the heart.

To be continued…

 If you would like to listen to this sermon series for yourself, click here.